"life...is like a grapefruit. it's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half of one for breakfast." i have no clue where that quote came from, but i like it a lot.

what is life? don't ask me, i have no idea. every time i think i've got it figured out, it come up with some new way to blow that idea out of the water. sometimes in all of my figurings i find it useful to stop and ask myself what it is i need to change and do better. i've heard it said that if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. well, life is the perfect evidence of that. too easily and much too often i get into habits and stop trying to make things happen. why not? it's comfortable. i'll tell you why not - because it's monotonous and you will want to kill yourself sooner or later just to get out of it. but wait! there's another way out! just change stuff. make yourself grow and experience new things. if you're looking for a good time to do such things, let me give you an excellent hint. wait until the week between finals and the start of spring/summer term, when you have absolutely nothing to prep for. then wait for your roommates and friends to leave for various vacations and family events that always mark that special time of freedom. after the first 36-48 hrs., when you begin going crazy but before the mark of total insanity, is when you begin the assault on your life. if you can't tell, i write from experience. experience concurrent with this post, actually. as i sit eating my wheat thins and preaching to a nonexistent audience, i wish you the best of luck with your own figurings of your own life.

- "a little while"...what does it mean?! it's probably the most usefully ambiguous time frame i have ever come across. try it yourself. you can't go wrong.

- to anyone with their own room, never take it for granted! i may or may not be looking forward to having a room to myself for the first time in three years. all summer long! who's going to be doing crazy things that only people with their own rooms do? not you punks with roommates, that's for sure! haha, suckas!!

- everyone should become acquainted with this website. specifically the lord of the rings and twilight videos, but they're all stupendous.

ok, è finito.

Screaming into silence

have you ever had one of those surreal days? one that makes you think "could this really be happening?" i'm sure you have. they can be pretty special. the problem, though, is that sometimes they're not surreal on the good side of life. sometimes those days are above and beyond reality on the dark, cold, frightening side. it's days like that and the terrifying moments within them that shake you; make you question the faith and love of yourself and everyone around you. why do terrible things happen to innocent people? why can't someone stop it when it needs stopping the most? does the good really outweigh the bad? is it even worth it to try anymore? i don't have the answers to all of these questions, and the ones i do have aren't necessarily satisfying. but i do know that it is worth it to try. i know that no matter what happens, there will be a happy ending for those who are strong and never give up, even if it isn't in this life.

maybe the most important thing is to love. let me clarify, as i have flash backs to this post. i'm not talking about dating and your average weird romantic relationships. i mean family - both immediate and the best of friends. nobody can know you better than they can, and they will love you unconditionally. they will be there for you no matter what. on the flip side, you have to be there for them. it's terrifying to me to imagine not having my family to rely on, and i could never put any of them through that.

what's really sad is that sometimes things happen and i don't know how to talk about it. i don't trust myself to approach the subject with anyone for one reason or another. part of me is stubborn and prideful, skillfully suppressing any indication of tragedy while another part of me strives desperately to be heard. i wish i was better at this. i wish i could let out everything i have. i wish i was strong enough to be weak. too bad no one will read this half-hearted attempt at crying out.