OOPS

dear blog...my darling pseudo-child,

i'm sorry to admit this, but it has to be done. i pretty much forgot about your existence altogether for a while there. apparently i'm a terrible mother. i fear for the fate of my real future children.

oh dear blog, someday (hopefully sort of soonish) i will update you. i just don't have the motivation to do so right now. don't worry, you can tell i love you a ton. now excuse me while i discuss the school band playing outside my window and the exorbitantly exorbitant price of textbooks and other related college nonsense with my newly returned roommate.

CHE GIOIA!!!!!

I FREAKIN LOVE MY FAMILY! yes, it's true. i've never realized it like i've begun to now. being away from them, especially as they're all growing up and i want to be a part of that experience, has really given me some perspective on the matter.

in one short hour i will be reunited with my beloved parents and dear mischievous brother, who is entering the mtc for his fijian mission in two days (hence the short utah vacation). and in case you couldn't tell, i'm so incredibly excited to see them! we've got plans to eat at places that reach beyond my collegiate budget, see some sights that require the car i don't have, and visit some friends that we haven't seen for a couple years. basically, this is the highlight of my summer thus far and by far.

really, i love my family so much. each member of it has become worthy of the title "best friend". we've got each others' backs, and are all deeply invested in each others' lives and personal success.

it's the most marvelous feeling to rely on a group of people so entirely, without a shadow of a doubt. ever.
family, this post goes out to you. i love you the most! (even though you try to hijack my bed when i'm not there.)








just remember, whatever terrible thing is happening, you've always got nine other people around to back you up.

A day well spent

today i saw some of my friends. we had a lot of new laughs.

i went running for longer than i have in quite a while. i felt strong.

i listened to some angry rock music while i ran. it helped me vent.

i thought deeply about some stuff. i feel ready for a new day now.

then i walked home through a fresh summer rain. it was beautiful.

i should try to have more days like this one.

I've made a decision

that life is too short. if you're having a problem, just tell yourself that and somehow it makes everything a little easier. it's like magic.

there are things i want, but the universe doesn't seem to understand that, and i can't change it. i'll just accept it and try to have a good time despite my disappointment.

Cupcakes make my heart happy.

i have seen the chief cupcake maker of the universe, and her name is sister canfield. they quickly climbed to at least the top 5 section of the most incredible things i've ever eaten. and that's on looks alone. my favorite: funfetti + white chocolate + reese's peanut butter cup + frosting + 2 dumdums + 2 melon-o's = 1 cupcake. i love it!

let me just put this out there - break the fast can be such a bliss. it helps start my week out right.

p.s. i have in fact realized my recent attention to my lovely baby blog. i don't really know why that is. maybe it's because my roommate is gone and i want someone/thing to ramble pointlessly to. good thing these blogs don't have rules and protocol to follow. i can be as sporadic as i want!

why yes, i'd love some cheesy motivation. thank you for asking.

"Remember always that, when you shine, the entire world grows a little brighter."

thank you suspiciously hallmark-ish card. sometimes all it takes is a random little thing you meant to throw away months ago turning up to make you feel like your existence might actually have a purpose.

"There could be no greater light in the world than a person living life to the fullest."

don't you just love the random motivational stuff you can find in the dark corners of your room?

i'll never be done learning.

i am not progressing.

my days are consumed in a never-ending cycle of monotony. it's great to have a routine, but this is more than that. i never push myself to learn more, to experience more with every sense i possess, to become more. what's the point of my existence? i find myself taking up valuable space and finite resources so that i can pretend to make a non-existent mark on the face of humanity.

sometimes i catch myself in moments of contemplation on what i want to teach my future children. i don't know when or if i'll ever get the chance, but i like to think i'm preparing myself for that great adventure. but i digress. one of the most important things i will teach them is to always progress, learn, grow. life isn't fulfilling enough without that progression, plus it's one of the purposes of life in general. why waste such a choice opportunity?

so, new goal. yay! i will succeed every day in pushing my limits to learn new things. i will learn more in school, grow spiritually, and discover more about myself and the world around me.

pleasantly tragic satisfation, anyone?

can we please take a moment to reflect on the complete loveliness of a well formed bruise? seriously, they're fun to show off and impress people with and even the ones that look sick, in all senses of the word, are just so cool. sometimes you even get weird shapes and blotches to look at. ready...go!

...reflecting...so great...

ok, good job everyone. now, on to the nitty gritty. am i the only one who has those moments/days when you just want to cry? and no, i don't mean "i am emo and slit my wrists. pity me!" cry. don't get confused now. i mean when you just want to feel something so strongly that you at least feel vaguely close to tears. i must admit that i'm one of those girls who just doesn't really cry about much, so don't hold your breath waiting to see it.
maybe what i really want is just a dramatic change from that monotonous everyday thing i like to call life. i am, after all, a theatre kid! don't you dare challenge my spelling of the word "theatre". you will be wrong and you will lose. my point is that i love to feel my emotions fully, and i think that sadness, longing and all those other emotions associated with crying are among the strongest and most easily recognizable/produced.

so if you will all excuse me, let the tragedies begin!

Reading...

...is not something that i'm constantly doing, but when i do read i sort of get obsessed. having just finished a good series of books, i'm beginning to realize that the way i read is probably not very healthy overall. i can't allow myself to start any book or series until i'm sure that i have a large block of time that i can give up, because once i start it's pretty close to impossible for me to stop until i finish the story. i just have to know what happens! i'll stay up all night without any effort, forgo most food, and basically shut out the entire non-fictional world. fortunately for me i had a homework-free week to work with. upon emerging from my room this morning after finishing my book, my roommates all told me they hadn't seen me at all this week and hoped i was finally returning to them. i hadn't realized how long it had been or that they had noticed.

i can handle all of that. what i have trouble with is returning back to reality and leaving behind the world i had inhabited and grown to deeply care about for hours on end at least. if you haven't figured it out, i get really involved in the books i read. needless to say, a good summary is never enough to pacify me. i love the world that is created in my mind and the characters in it, and i wish more than anything that it was real and that i could share in their adventures. unfortunately, reading about them is all i can do, and it's just plain unfair when they abruptly end, abandoning me to my own average life. i'm at that point right now. i find myself thinking of everything i'm doing with my life and wondering "why". what's the point of going to school and work? it's not as awesome as that world i just stepped out of. it felt so good being a part of that other amazing world of the written word, and now i'm like a lost and forlorn little child who's been taken from the best place ever and plopped in unfamiliar and much less desirable circumstances, confused and unsure of what to do with herself. maybe i should go make some chow. food always makes me feel a little better.

"life...is like a grapefruit. it's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half of one for breakfast." i have no clue where that quote came from, but i like it a lot.

what is life? don't ask me, i have no idea. every time i think i've got it figured out, it come up with some new way to blow that idea out of the water. sometimes in all of my figurings i find it useful to stop and ask myself what it is i need to change and do better. i've heard it said that if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. well, life is the perfect evidence of that. too easily and much too often i get into habits and stop trying to make things happen. why not? it's comfortable. i'll tell you why not - because it's monotonous and you will want to kill yourself sooner or later just to get out of it. but wait! there's another way out! just change stuff. make yourself grow and experience new things. if you're looking for a good time to do such things, let me give you an excellent hint. wait until the week between finals and the start of spring/summer term, when you have absolutely nothing to prep for. then wait for your roommates and friends to leave for various vacations and family events that always mark that special time of freedom. after the first 36-48 hrs., when you begin going crazy but before the mark of total insanity, is when you begin the assault on your life. if you can't tell, i write from experience. experience concurrent with this post, actually. as i sit eating my wheat thins and preaching to a nonexistent audience, i wish you the best of luck with your own figurings of your own life.

- "a little while"...what does it mean?! it's probably the most usefully ambiguous time frame i have ever come across. try it yourself. you can't go wrong.

- to anyone with their own room, never take it for granted! i may or may not be looking forward to having a room to myself for the first time in three years. all summer long! who's going to be doing crazy things that only people with their own rooms do? not you punks with roommates, that's for sure! haha, suckas!!

- everyone should become acquainted with this website. specifically the lord of the rings and twilight videos, but they're all stupendous.

ok, è finito.

Screaming into silence

have you ever had one of those surreal days? one that makes you think "could this really be happening?" i'm sure you have. they can be pretty special. the problem, though, is that sometimes they're not surreal on the good side of life. sometimes those days are above and beyond reality on the dark, cold, frightening side. it's days like that and the terrifying moments within them that shake you; make you question the faith and love of yourself and everyone around you. why do terrible things happen to innocent people? why can't someone stop it when it needs stopping the most? does the good really outweigh the bad? is it even worth it to try anymore? i don't have the answers to all of these questions, and the ones i do have aren't necessarily satisfying. but i do know that it is worth it to try. i know that no matter what happens, there will be a happy ending for those who are strong and never give up, even if it isn't in this life.

maybe the most important thing is to love. let me clarify, as i have flash backs to this post. i'm not talking about dating and your average weird romantic relationships. i mean family - both immediate and the best of friends. nobody can know you better than they can, and they will love you unconditionally. they will be there for you no matter what. on the flip side, you have to be there for them. it's terrifying to me to imagine not having my family to rely on, and i could never put any of them through that.

what's really sad is that sometimes things happen and i don't know how to talk about it. i don't trust myself to approach the subject with anyone for one reason or another. part of me is stubborn and prideful, skillfully suppressing any indication of tragedy while another part of me strives desperately to be heard. i wish i was better at this. i wish i could let out everything i have. i wish i was strong enough to be weak. too bad no one will read this half-hearted attempt at crying out.

Well, I said it would be bits of random.

- so i saw this guy yesterday, and i'm sure you've all experienced what i did at the time. i couldn't stop staring. now before you go getting ideas, you should know that it wasn't in a good way, although i can't deny the fact that i got some enjoyment out of it. he was definitely an emo dude, and was probably one of the most ridiculous people i'd ever seen. skinny jeans and tight shirt, piercings, makeup and hairstyles that would make my grandma faint, the gloomy looks of a masochist and fake suicidal thoughts, even the trademark black aura that drifts oh, wait! it's just all the black they're wearing. my mistake. if you can't tell, i'm not now nor have i ever been a fan of the emo movement. however, it does produce some pretty rockin awesome stuff. for instance, tickle me emo - i almost wish i'd had one when i was a sweet and innocent child - and this song. has anyone heard this joke before? well, here it is anyways. how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? four. one to update his facebook status about it, one to replace it, and two to write a poem about how much they miss the dark.

- the point of putting your ipod/zune/whatever you have on shuffle = getting random songs. isn't it sort of counter productive that my ipod has a weird obsession with hollywood undead's this love, this hate, green day's when i come around and every song from the lord of the rings soundtracks? meaning "these songs are practically the only ones played for the first 50 songs. every time".

- dear BYU,
you are sucking out my soul, chewing it up, and spitting it back at me in little shreds. i don't think it's going to work out between us. it's not you, it's me. really.
love, brett

- are horrendously large bruises supposed to be numb for days on end? please discuss and return for collaboration.

Don't fall for the greener grass - it's probably astroturf.

i've been having some major motivation issues. in high school i got that horrible thing called senioritis, which improved slightly during my freshman year of college, but it's just been getting steadily worse over the past couple years. no matter what happens or what i do, i can't make myself become motivated anymore. then i read this poem for my italian class called "Il Destino Degli Uomini". I'll just give you the translation of said poem.

The Destiny of Men

And I said to the river: "Let me pass!"
Responded the river "and to go where?
Also there are men and women... The ox
moos equally and the mosquitoes sting.

What do you hope?... The same water, sweet, love,
along my other bank! And days of rains
and beauty. And the same air moves
the fabulous forest that you like."

Always on the other bank the well that you crave,
man; the well lost or in vain awaited.
I, cold, in the middle, between the dreaming and the dreams...

Always, suspended high above your head
is your fate, if you go, if you stay. For every
street, drag, always, your weight."


here's the thing. i know why i'm here, doing what i'm doing. i can't exactly tell the future, but i do know that a college education will be beneficial. now begs the question, "why can't i just get it done?!?" why do i have to put everything off and act like it doesn't matter, even though it does? i think it's partially the whole instant gratification thing they talk about in church sometimes, but it also has to do with that poem. i always think that i can just put off anything difficult, which is terrible because it always come back to bite me in the end. i never want to deal with it, because i know i'll be so much happier just not doing it. (oh how little i actually know.) yeah, my ideal future with the well-earned degree of a hard working, dedicated student sounds good, but i could be okay if i could squeak by with something just a little less. seriously? my life's not getting any better that way, not even right now. why do i make things worse for myself?!? so, learn from me and my terrible habits and stay motivated. remember what you're in it for and don't let go of that. you never know, maybe someday i'll be working for you. until that day, let's hope i can clean up my act a little.

Non-epically un-epic

- I've heard a lot of people using the word "epic" lately. Even I have fallen into the habit, describing most of the little adventures I have (as adventurous as you can get in Provo) as epic. Then I realized something as I sat through a lecture on ancient Greek theatre and its origins in the epic poem - I never really knew what I was saying when I said "That was so epic!" Sadly, I had become one of those poor fools spouting out whatever word came to mind when the moment seemed to call for it. I would say I've been making a fool of myself, but let's be honest here. How many other people use the word "epic" in the wrong context just like me and my naïve self? I'm making the assumption that it's a pretty big number. Ok, so here's the real definition of epic - "noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem." So basically, I consistently compare my life to a really long poem, with a story similar to that of Luke Skywalker's, or maybe Simba's if that's more your thing. I'm pretty sure that's false advertisement right there.

- Alright, now I have to speak my piece. Do you ever get bothered by how bothered other people are? I do, and I probably bother them too. Whatever. Today is Valentine's day. I've been getting a lot of explanations about how much everyone hates V-day; how terribly annoying and hypocritical it is to have a holiday to celebrate love. Like Christmas haters, although those are fewer in number, it's a travesty that we don't show our love for anyone 364 days a year, and go overboard for just one day. Now stop for a second. Isn't love a good thing? I don't mean the sappy, immature and superficial relationship between you and your first boyfriend/girlfriend. Let's think about your family and friends too. Don't you love them? Why shouldn't that love be celebrated? I do think that anyone cold enough to ignore someone for the whole year and buy them a rose just for Valentine's day should be drop kicked, but I don't see anything wrong with some extra reveling in your relationships with your loved ones for one day. I, dare I say it, even like it. It's fun coming up with cheesy cards to express how you feel for someone, sort of like a birthday card, and it feels absolutely fabulous to do something extra sweet and thoughtful that you just can't do every day of the year. I'm not saying that you have to get stressed and go all out for your significant other like everyone apparently assumes Valentine's day is meant for, but I see no point in boycotting anything that celebrates something good. On the more superficial side of things, does anyone else get as much candy as I do? Chocolate is one of the beauties of this world, and who am I to deny a holiday in which people hand it out freely?

Do what you love, love what you do.

In my opinion, there's almost nothing better than the feeling of doing something you love, whether that thing be a sport, some form of art, a random hobby, or pretty much anything else. There are a few sports that I absolutely adore, and for the past year I haven't done much of any of them. This, dear friends, is truly a travesty. I've picked up snowboarding again, and the difference it makes in my whole life is amazing! Once again it occupies my thoughts constantly, and every day that I don't head up the mountain, I wish with a passion that I was and almost literally can't wait until I do.

"The adrenaline rush. It's what I live for. There's nothing like it." If you've ever experienced the rush you get when you're "in the zone", then you know that it's pretty much like a drug. Hitting the sweet spot on your blade as the centrifugal force carries you around and around, getting the perfect hit just before taking the ball beyond reach for the try, or hitting an edge perfectly for the carve. Those are just bits and pieces of what makes the things I love a beautiful experience.

Once you find something to enjoy that much, nothing else matters and it seems impossible to be concerned about that. It's the only thing you can think about, and you spend all of your extra time thinking of any sick new tricks you can try and what you have to do to become the best out there. You constantly tell everyone that they haven't really lived until they try it, and you'll bring it up randomly in conversations just to talk about it. You can even be injured, but that's okay. It actually makes you feel way more hard core because you can brag about how you got hurt, later showing off the scars for awe-struck peers.

I think everyone should find something incredible. Find something to love, and spare nothing to experience it every chance you get. Maybe it's just a part of human nature to need a passion like that, and once you find it that thing becomes some sort of transcendence into a state of more meaning than can be found otherwise. Maybe that's how we connect just a little more with our spirits. With our souls. Whatever the true reason, find something you feel passionate about, that will drive you through life. If nothing else, it will be an excellent way to escape from the ever-enclosing walls of school and work.

Good morning Starshine, the earth says "Hello!"...

...and thus was born my blog!!! i've noticed recently that any email, text, or other various form of message i send to anyone leans quite far toward rambling about somewhat useless information. and, let's be honest now, i really enjoy the randomness of said rambling, and isn't that really what a blog is for at its core? in summary, i don't really know what i'm doing or exactly why it's happening, but nothing's been broken yet, so i'm just going to see where this thing goes. anyone want to join me?

rugby is, in my opinion, one of the three greatest sports. i've played it enough to know where i stand. you don't have to agree, but don't try to argue.

figure skating is a beautiful and relaxing release that i will always love. and hey, i can do that move!!!

snowboarding is absolutely amazing and my newest-found love affair. and hey, someday soon i'll do that move!!!

- i was reading a story that had a lot to do with nicknames, and it got me thinking of mine. there are a lot. i sort of wonder how i've never gotten confused or developed some sort of split personality disorder, seeing how most of these are used by different people. let me just list them for you:
brettster
max/maximus/brettimus maximus
norwegian smarty-pants
shnizzle bizzle
brett bretterson
gazelle
brett vandygriff fastest girl in the nation (yes, that is an official nickname, and one that i'm quite proud of.)
minority
impala
and sometimes i'm the one that "is not a sword", "looks like beer", and "smells like beef and cheese"(chi dawg, i hope you appreciate this). i think i'm forgetting some, but that's ok. these will suffice.

hopefully for anyone who reads this, and i don't expect large numbers there, this is a satisfactory new blog. if you don't like random bits of rambling, you probably should have never read this! here are some more random funnies that i hope will at least make you giggle a little.

i never wanted a furby. i found them disturbing and used them as torture devices, but now i see that they exist in real life! maybe it's just a little bit cute in its odd way, but mostly i'm just frightened.

seriously. punk is not for most people. they should stop trying. p.s. if anyone wants a laugh, look up "chinchilla day" on youtube.

and this is just funny.

that is all. end.